HEADLINE: “Baby falls down stairs while dad puts excessive amount of gel in his hair.”
Needless to say I don’t fee like being “that dad.” So I had to take a break from my moratorium on home improvement projects to install a toddler essential – the baby gate.
The sales pitch for a baby gate should be the following:
WARNING – This gate will take you an entire Saturday afternoon to install. It will not fit in your house the way you expect to or look as good as you think it will. It will not open as wide as you hope, or close easily. It will not match the theme you worked hard to create in the hallway. Even though it is new, it will have an annoying squeak that can be heard for a quarter of a mile in every direction. You will hate it. Your guests will hate it. Your dogs will hate it. They will now get trapped daily and cry because they don’t have the thumbs necessary to open the gate. This product will make you move “downstairs bathroom” to a higher position on the home projects lists. Please also begin planning more time to do everything in your day as this product will slow you down by several minutes each time you have to navigate up or down your stairs. Failure to install this gate in your house would not only make you an irresponsible parent, but also an ass. So deal with this unsightly, awkward p.o.s. for the next few years because you’re a parent….and you have to.