100 ways to tell if someone has a small child

So this is my 100th post in this blog. For those of you who have read them all, my deepest apologies. They range in topic from my societal gripes, simple pleasures, self absorption and emotional shortcomings as I struggle/succeed at being a first time father.

To look at me today, I am a completely different person that I was just a few years ago, mostly because of the birth of my son. You might as well tattoo the word “daddy” on my forehead as it is now the core of who I am (and rightfully so).

With that in mind and because this is my 100th post, here is a list of 100 ways to tell if someone has a small child.

  1. None of their work shirts are ironed.
  2. They look tired.
  3. Most conversations contain the words “throw up.”
  4. They have not seen the movie you are talking about.
  5. They know what Abby Cadabby is.
  6. They know the theme song to the PBS show “Martha Speaks.”
  7. They have not been to that new restaurant everyone seems to like.
  8. There are perpetually three piles of laundry in their laundry room needing to be washed.
  9. There is a Baby Bullet where the margarita machine used to be.
  10. They actually listen to you when you talk about your kids.
  11. Their eyes fill with tears when they see commercials with kids growing up in them.
  12. They own a Subaru (a van means more than one child).
  13. They do not wear anything that is shiny.
  14. They hum “Wheels on the Bus” unintentionally.
  15. When alone at the grocery store, they take their sweet ass time (my dad was king of this growing up).
  16. Their pantry is stocked with a year’s supply of Ritz crackers.
  17. They yawn at 7:30 p.m.
  18. They yawn at 2:30 p.m.
  19. OK, they yawn all the time.
  20. They used to listen to music loud all the time, now they respect quiet.
  21. They have not been on a trip requiring more than four or five hours in a car in years.
  22. They have things like “Family Day at the Y” written on their calendar.
  23. They have to plan out a 45 minute drink with you two weeks in advance (and you better not frigging cancel).
  24. They know what time the local Rite Aid opens and closes.
  25. They have cartoon characters on the band aids in their medicine cabinet.
  26. They used to love “30 Rock” — but now it’s on too late.
  27. They watch “Saturday Night Live” at work on Monday morning.
  28. They have pile of dress/dancing shoes collecting dust in the back of the closet.
  29. Saturday is sweatpants and ball cap day.
  30. They are perpetually 15 minutes late to work.
  31. They are perpetually 20 minutes late to work when carrying in an extra large coffee.
  32. They get a cold in the fall. Every fall.
  33. They can’t remember more than a handful of players on any Boston team.
  34. They don’t buy nice furniture.
  35. The only books they are currently reading have rhyming titles and pictures on every page.
  36. They buy the big bag of string cheese at the grocery store.
  37. Their vehicle interior is covered in a layer of cookie crumbs.
  38. The color of that same vehicle’s interior appears to be juice stain.
  39. They view photos as a perfectly acceptable gift for someone.
  40. They get overly opinionated about school funding.
  41. They are up to speed on what is happening with BPA regulation.
  42. They often have food stains at knee level.
  43. Their idea of a night out is drive-thru Dairy Queen and a trip to Target.
  44. They shop at Target in the first place.
  45. They love Target.
  46. They perpetually “like” photos of children on Facebook.
  47. They have little stick people decals on the back of their SUV.
  48. They bought the stick people decals at Target.
  49. They sort of know that North Korea is doing something and someone doesn’t like it.
  50. They read half of this list then had to stop and clean up the spill their child just made in the kitchen.
  51. The last CD they bough was the one by Adele (her first one).
  52. When asked if they had a good weekend, they have to think really hard before answering.
  53. They have very strong beliefs about sunblock.
  54. They get excited about tax season.
  55. They are more excited about the circus coming to town than this year’s Waterfront Concert lineup.
  56. They seem to have family visiting them….a lot.
  57. They have weird, illegible shapes drawn in crayon taped up around their work station.
  58. You overhear them on the phone saying, “They did what? What color was it? I’ll be right there to pick them up.”
  59. After you hear that phone call you don’t see them for three days.
  60. They own several pocket-sized bottles of hand sanitizer.
  61. They stare longingly at you as you describe you recent trip to Mexico.
  62. They tweet hashtags like #DadProblems and #Odark30.
  63. They have used up all their sick and vacation time by mid-February.
  64. They have the Baby MD app on their phone in between Angry Birds and Words With Friends.
  65. They never finish playing Words With Friends with you.
  66. Their in-home liquor cabinet has been reduced to half a bottle of puckers and a lime that went bad months ago.
  67. They now keep that bottle of puckers locked up.
  68. You text them at 8:30 p.m. and they don’t respond until 6 a.m.
  69. They are texting you at 6 a.m. (like you’re up).
  70. They cancel on you for golf because they need to mow the lawn — “It’s out of control.”
  71. They nod in affirmation when someone talks about how they won in a battle with their child.
  72. They show up to work in outfits that don’t match.
  73. They talk about retirement like it will never happen.
  74. They know what time the sun comes up.
  75. They have errands to do on their lunch break — EVERY day.
  76. They scrapbook.
  77. They can cook any meal in 25 minutes or less.
  78. They can’t remember the last time they got to enjoy that 25-minute meal.
  79. They have the doctors, pharmacies, and ER numbers programmed into their phones.
  80. They read parenting blogs.
  81. They share parenting blogs on Facebook.
  82. They secretly hate parents who have the time and ego to blog.
  83. They ignore movie release dates and look for Redbox release dates.
  84. They have a desk full of candy because they can’t have it at home.
  85. They close their eyes and smile when eating the desk candy.
  86. They don’t like to share the desk candy.
  87. They don’t like to go places where the crowd will be too big.
  88. Along with crowds, they also don’t really do lines.
  89. Unless the line is to see Santa at the mall.
  90. They know there is a difference between gymboree the class and Gymboree the store.
  91. They use words like gymboree.
  92. “Play date” is not used in a funny sexual way.
  93. They have at least six different home improvement projects going.
  94. They will only ever finish half of those projects.
  95. They look forward to Mothers/Fathers Day.
  96. They have Cheerios stashed in their glove box.
  97. The used to have houseplants.
  98. Statistically,  they have lower blood pressure than you (I know right).
  99. Also, research shows they will outlive you.
  100. They have spent the last year or two raising a child and that outweighs all the silly little things on this list.
Pat Lemieux

About Pat Lemieux

Pat has it all, family, big old house, dogs, a newborn son and a quarter-life crisis. He blogs about trying to be who he has always been and be who he now needs to be. He enjoys 90's grunge metal, tasty local brews and the outdoors.